dashboardlite | 26: [Action] Dazed and Confused

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26: [Action] Dazed and Confused

[ Dean is only a little twitchy. He never really feels like he needs things, but right now he's lacking. Something. Something big. It's not starvation, because when he's hungry, he gets food. When he wants sex, he finds Cas. Dean doesn't get cravings because he's always well-fed.

But what he needs right now is people.

So Dean is wandering around the grounds for the most part, trying to locate the people he needs. He could be in the parlour, fixing a drink. He could be kicking at the edge of the hedge maze, contemplating going inside but unwilling to risk not being able to find his way out again without a bag of peanut M&Ms to leave as a trail guide. He could even be in the kitchen, trying (and failing) to cook something to keep his mind off of everything.

He's that restless.

Good luck. ]

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[ Well. At least Dean isn't completely unaware of the problem. Still... ]

Where's the difference?

[He won't sugar-coat it.]

One says "I'm a menace to society", and the other says "I'm not even going to try."

[ Normally his answer might be different, but the following question has been circling around in his head all event long, so finally voicing it comes easy. ]

Do you have any idea what he'd do to somebody I cared about that much?

{ }

I thought he was only a dick to assholes like me.

[And assorted, encouraging bros of Philip's. Here's to you, Mr. Are-You-Afraid-of-the-Dark? and (apparently) Sandwich Tim.]

I mean, I get the whole "knock that hunter down a few pegs" deal, but what about somebody who doesn't know about 'im? Is he that much of a bastard?

[Please bear in mind that while Dean knows about Philip's little alien hoodoo ceremony from several months back, he doesn't know the lucky winners of the Ritual Raffle.

He's also aware that Clarence in 100%, dyed-in-the-wool evil, but what's the point if the person in question isn't even offending him? Just because he can?

...man, Cas needs to figure out how to get rid of him.]

[ Another bitter laugh? Coming right up, sir! ]

What do you think?

Dude, that- Shit, Phil. I'm sorry. That sucks.

[That sucks so badly that Dean is having a hard time trying to think of something else he can say.]

Has he actually said this, or d'you just sorta know?

I know that I'm not going to risk it, I can't- I couldn't keep him and everything he's done to myself and hope everything turns out for the best.

You know this is gonna make you about a lovable as a porcupine, right?

[Please accept this companionable clap on the (good) shoulder, sir.]

...look, I get it. You don't wanna hurt anybody, and that's fine. But I know you wanna feel as normal as the next guy, and relationships are kinda the way you do it.

[Just sayin'.]

I'm not telling you to go out and get married, but loosen up a little bit, okay? Take it from a guy who used to have one-night-stands for dinner.

[ Philip will contemplate the amount of lovableness a porcupine emenates later.

For now he is still bitter, because he's being made to be antsy about relationships and because he thinks he's covered every possible relationship scenario and successfully concluded all of them with complete and utter failure. ]

Loosen up how?

[ Go on, Dean-o, fork over some practical advice on how to get dinner. I mean, er, feel normal. ]

[When preparing dinner, you first go to the nearest dive-bar. Find the most attractive specimen of- Oh, wait, different recipe. Never mind.]

Well, you got a couple options and you're not gonna like the first one. [Dean scratches his chin.] Option One: If you like someone that much, tell 'em the truth about your little guardian angel.

[Dean lifts his hand to interrupt anything Philip might say. He's already started, dude, and you you can't stop a rolling stone.]

S'not the best idea, but it's the most drastic. Option Two...if Clarence ain't gonna mind the difference between people you care about and people you don't, what's the harm in just having dinner with somebody every so often?

[He would say "having sex with somebody", but we've already covered respective definitions of dates (http://dashboardlite.livejournal.com/5949.html?thread=403261#t403261) in another place and time. Besides, Philip seems to be a little more gentlemanly than Dean. It must be the Englishness in him.]

Don't just shut yourself off 'cause of that. I know not everybody's as understanding as me, but I also thought you were a paranoid weirdo until you told me what was goin' on. I dunno how you act around other people, man. Who d'you talk to?

Edited 2011-08-25 13:34 (UTC)

[ Philip has no intention of interrupting, at least not during the first option. The second plan has a few holes, but he remains quiet still, having decided to hear Dean out, consider his suggestions carefully and event-- ]

Paranoid w-- [ Scoff. ] That... that's not exactly making things easier, I--

[ And what about your first impression of Dean, hmmm? That's what we thought.

Now then. Back to the topic at hand. ]

I don't shut myself off. I should, sometimes... sometimes I think I should, but...

[ And now? A deep and meaningful pause. ]

I've never told anyone about Clarence, except for you. [ Beat. ] There's others who know, but they... they had to find out.

[ And not just by deduction if his gloomy tone of voice is any indication. ]

I only told you because- [ you got me drunk on wine coolers and I felt fat that day.

...

...

No.

Wait.

Wait a minute... ] because I knew you'd believe me... for- better or worse.

[ Pulling himself together for the next part. ]

But what if she-- [ AHEM HEM! ] or he, what-- What if whoever I tell it next doesn't? If they think I'm insane?

[ Sorry, Dean, did you ask a question just there? I'm afraid Philip's train of thought will have to make a few other stops first. ]

[We'll get your choo-choo back on-track in no time, Philip.

He's also sort of honored that Philip told him, if he's really the only one who knows.]

Then they think you're insane.

[Dean shrugs, throwing his hands up. He has long-since stopped caring about what people think of him. Empathizing with others on the same subject is considerably more difficult when he's gotten enough insults and rejection to last a lifetime.]

Dude, in a place like this, I'd be surprised if anybody called you crazy. I guess if they're new then I'd get it, but everyone's pretty used to this crap by now. Any person who's been here long enough oughta be a little understanding.

[He raises an eyebrow and folds his arms across his chest. They've never talked about their other friends at all, but knowing Philip's acquaintances might be a good thing.]

So who else d'you talk to, then, if you're that antsy?

[ Philip considers Dean's words.

If he's not insane himself then his situation certainly is. And was too, even before he came to Wonderland.

Maybe it's about time for him to come to terms with that once and for all.

Philip also considers a few words of protest because he is not antsy. ]

Nobody.

[ Now, now, that is hardly true.

Philip does actually know a decent amount of people here, some better than others.

But most are not recent additions. Most already know (read: met) Clarence.

Most are... not an immediate concern. ]

...Remember Evelyn? [ Beat. Sigh. ] Egypt lady?

[Dude you're so antsy it's pathetic.

But you should have expected this face. You really should have.]

Uh-huh?

[The implication being tell me more~]

It's nothing.

[ AND DON'T YOU GIVE HIM THAT LOOK. ]

...We just talked again, that's all. She said--

[ Cue look and voice of the almost tearful variety, brought on by happiness for a change. The narration apologises if the icon does a poor job of reflecting the latter part. ]

She thinks I'm... normal.

[ Annnnd back to our sad default. ]

...But she doesn't know.

[Dean has had some sort of vague notion as to how important being normal is to Philip, but it's never really struck him in the face like a shovel until now. Admittedly, he's a little surprised by how happy his friend looks about a girl thinking he's an Average Joe. Usually people like to be outstanding in others' eyes, as opposed to just some dude.

Then again, Philip has probably felt horribly outcast ever since Clarence snuggled into his brain, so he can't blame the guy for enjoying the good ol' fashioned 'perfectly human' label.]

So...you're worried about Egypt Lady* not wanting to talk with you anymore if you tell her, 'cause it could potentially freak her out?

[* - This narration would like to note that even if ~~Evian~~ Evelyn was not a character played by yours truly, and even if the girl in question was a completely different girl entirely, Dean would still be making these faces and assumptions. You can never escape.]

What do you guys even talk about?

[Obviously nothing to do with Philip.]

[ Oh, of course, but you see, the kind of outstanding people usually strive for is ever so minor in comparison. Nobody likes to admit they are part of the mass, just another face. Everyone wants to be a little bit more intelligent, a little bit more interesting and overall just a little bit more memorable than the rest.

But what people want are a few moments in the spotlight, not a life in the scorching brightness of round lights shining down at them as they lie on a surgical table, being gawked at and metaphorically dissected by their peers because they've become just a little bit too different from the rest. ]

No. [ Beat. ] Yes. [ Beat. ] Well. Not exactly.

[ Let's try this again: ]

I'm not going to tell her. I don't... want to tell her, but... it gets difficult, there's... there's too much-- too many things I've got to avoid when we talk and I don't want to come across as--

[ Philip lowers his head. Hey, remember how he said Dean's comment wasn't exactly making things easier? Well~ ]

As some... sort of paranoid weirdo.

[So basically, Philip is worried about coming off as "that guy" who makes other people uncomfortable. Not that he made Dean uncomfortable, because it takes a whole lot to unsettle Dean, but he doesn't want to upset this one other normal person.

Well. Where to begin?]

You weren't helpin' yourself when you first met me, dude. I mentioned demons and you looked like one of those guys who wins the lottery and stands there in shock. Kinda gave you away.

[Buuuuut he scratches the back of his head and considers this. No man wants to look weird or awkward in front of a girl. Dean can empathize with that sentiment well enough.]

I'd tell you that healthy relationships aren't built on lies, but that'd be sorta hypocritical of me.

[A thoughtful hum.]

I dunno, does she seem suspicious of anything?

[ Let Philip think about this for a moment. ]

Not... about Clarence, I don't think so. I never even mentioned Greenland, so I doubt that, um...

[ He trails off. ]

Perhaps about the- the injuries. [ Sigh. ] I wasn't exactly convincing, but... at least she didn't say anything.

Seriously, what do you guys even talk about?

[Dean laughs, ruffling his hair. Oh, right, seriousness now. This is serious. Philip doesn't want to come off as a weirdo. Got it.]

Okay, okay. So you're just wanna be normal in front of Egypt lady. You gonna try and fill in the gaps some other way and keep the story straight, or what?

[That sounds complicated.]

I mean, it's great that she's a regular chick and that makes you all warm and fuzzy inside, but c'mon, Phil. The Hell are you gonna tell her when she asks about somethin' other than Physics?

[ Ah, that was the wrong question. Philip looks away. ]

I had a life, you know.

[ Friends. Family. Hobbies. Stories. Normal stories.

All of which are becoming increasingly difficult for him to talk about, as if part of an entirely different tale, one nobody ever bothered to write down.

As if physics guy who got into a really bad situation was all there ever was to him.

It's bad enough as it is without Dean making somethin' other than Physics sound so implausible. ]

{

Edited 2011-08-28 03:47 (UTC)

I-

[There is a certain disadvantage to being Dean Winchester, despite the know-how about guns and the supernatural - he's an absolute crap motormouth. Pretty much any and every sentiment makes it out of him before he can think about it first, and the fights with Sam in the past are evidence enough of that.

So he grimaces, knowing he said the absolute wrong thing again, and ducks his head.]

Look, I'm- ...I'm sorry, man, I'm bad with this stuff, I didn't mean it like that. You had a more normal life than I did.

[And he tries to sound encouraging rather than self-deprecating, because despite the shit, he wouldn't trade his life for anyone else's. But Philip had something tangible, and the fact that the old life is slipping away is probably what scares him the most.]

...you got a real good thing goin'.

[Better than anything I ever had.]

But what are you gonna tell her if talkin' with her is that important to you?

[ Wow. Okay.

Philip really wants to request a subject change again and now that he thinks about it, wasn't the only thing he was hoping to get out of their conversation today a distraction from event-induced relationship neuroses? ]

What would you tell her?

[ Because that beats having to think about the question himself for now. ]

Edited 2011-08-28 05:03 (UTC)

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