26: [Action] Dazed and Confused

[dashboardlite]

[ Dean is only a little twitchy.  He never really feels like he needs things, but right now he's lacking.  Something.  Something big.  It's not starvation, because when he's hungry, he gets food.  When he wants sex, he finds Cas.  Dean doesn't get cravings because he's always well-fed.

But what he needs right now is people.

So Dean is wandering around the grounds for the most part, trying to locate the people he needs.  He could be in the parlour, fixing a drink.  He could be kicking at the edge of the hedge maze, contemplating going inside but unwilling to risk not being able to find his way out again without a bag of peanut M&Ms to leave as a trail guide.  He could even be in the kitchen, trying (and failing) to cook something to keep his mind off of everything.

He's that restless.

Good luck. ]

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[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

Dean frowns. He isn't so great at expressing his feelings, and that trait (or lack thereof) has only gotten worse since the start of this event. Remarkable feelings of inadequacy have been swamping him as well, and the instant those words leave Castiel, he bristles defensively.

"...someone."

Castiel has someone. It's a twenty-something year old human with freckles and a bad attitude. How would he possibly need someone else?

"What are you tryin' to say?"

[out-of-minutes.livejournal.com]

"Someone, yes. You." He does his best to make Dean meet his eyes, which are no less open and honest than they ever are.

But he can't lie, even by omission.

"...But not just you."

If Dean is paying attention, he may detect a tone that reads something like a plaintive I don't understaaand. Because he doesn't, and that in itself is almost as unsettling as this sudden need for others.

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

He gets needing others. Sam and Bobby. Ellen and Jo. But Castiel's expression of desperation is looking less like a simple desire and more like a suggestion that Dean doesn't quite make the cut. He doesn't fit the mold. To someone with a low an opinion of himself as Dean Winchester, the look on Castiel's face is like a neon sign saying You're not good enough.

"Really."

Arms folded across his chest, brow furrowed, Dean stares at him. He doesn't understand any better than Cas (probably worse, actually, which is pretty pathetic), and the idea that the event is screwing with emotions has yet to cross his mind.

"Planning on branchin' out, huh?"

[out-of-minutes.livejournal.com]

Cas almost asks, startled at the harsh tone, what Dean means. But he's not quite that naive, not anymore, and it doesn't take him long to realize what Dean is implying.

His face hardens and his tone flattens.

"So you would deny me what you yourself already have." Dean doesn't really have a right to be distressed, here. He has everything he needs: a lover, a close friend, even a nemesis in that close friend's mental passenger.

Castiel has never before now felt jealous of Dean for these things.

Then another thought occurs to him. Maybe... maybe Dean's mood is because he doesn't feel his choice of lover is sufficient. Maybe he's already found an alternative he prefers. Maybe he wants Cas to branch out, because he's done with him.

His voice threatens to waver from its flatness when he says, "Very well, then. I... see I am no longer necessary to you."

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

The Hell is he talking about, denying him something? If they're perfectly happy together, then why does Castiel need someone else? Dean doesn't like to come off as a jealous guy, because he isn't, and thinking that there's someone else who can provide for Cas whatever he can't is a little irritating.

"No longer necessary? I'm the one here that's always at the bottom of the damn food chain, Cas. But hey - I get it."

Pulling a race card, Cas? Not cool.

"I'm not good enough for an angel, am I? At the end of the day, I'm just another meatsuit. A broken one, too, 'cause I'm a handsome bastard with a coupla parts missing, huh?"

Dean's always felt as though he didn't really deserve Castiel. For fuck's sake, why would anyone that holy want to be with him? He doesn't even know what he does in Hell, and he's sure that whatever it is doesn't warrant a Get Out of Jail Free card.

[out-of-minutes.livejournal.com]

Castiel is tired of trying to bludgeon Dean's worth, how beautiful and precious he is no matter the state of his physical form, into his head. Sure, he could do so yet again; what's one more time, right?

But he's tired of it. So he doesn't. If Dean hasn't gotten it by now, maybe he won't ever, and his self-worth shouldn't rely on another person, anyway. At least that's what Castiel tries to tell himself, reassure himself with. Dean has other people to surround himself with, other people that seem to be sufficient for him. Cas has only Dean, and he somehow, suddenly, isn't enough, so it stands to reason the fault lies with him.

Not that he says any of this aloud. "I am sorry if that is what you think," he answers instead, quietly.

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"And you don't?" Dean demands, angrier because Castiel isn't even fighting. He's just standing there, accepting it. Like he's verifying that it's true; it's all true. "How can you not say anything?" he snarls, infuriated by the quiet, single-sentence replies.

Dean has seen Castiel's emotions. He knows that the angel has them. It's as though he's refusing to show them in an effort to distance himself from the problem.

Obviously, Dean is the problem. He's always the problem. It's why everyone leaves him.

"...yeah, okay. I see how it is. Fine."

He throws his hands up.

"Jump ship while you still can."

[out-of-minutes.livejournal.com]

Aaaaand that's it, Cas snaps.

"What do you want me to say?" he snaps back, sharp and bitter and hurt. "You obviously have it all figured out. It doesn't seem to matter what I tell you, because you'll believe whatever you choose about yourself anyway."

He keeps speaking, not letting Dean cut him off. "I fail to understand how you can claim that everyone leaves you when you are the one of us who has everyone you need. I have no one but you." I thought I needed no one but you.

And now Dean is discarding him like unneeded baggage.

"But think what you will."

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

He's not trying to get rid of Castiel. Dean is scared that he'll lose him to someone else because he's just not good enough. Assuming that Castiel thinks the same - because who wouldn't, really? If you were some kind of magnificent celestial being stooping low enough to associate with a human? Frankly, Dean is impressed they managed to last this long. He was terrified that Cas would leave him months ago.

The only other person from his own dimension, and he's from a part of the lore that Dean isn't familiar with. He still doesn't know him. Not really.

"I have everything I need?" Dean huffs a bitter laugh, shaking his head. "Hilarious. That's a good one. Keep tellin' yourself that, featherhead. I'm sure there's somebody else here who'll fit the bill for you better than me."

It hurts to say this, too, and he doesn't know why even if he is jealous of someone he doesn't know - someone else who probably doesn't even exist.

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Cas doesn't even deign to acknowledge the featherhead comment. "There is no one else," he answers flatly.

"But I see now I was wrong," he goes on, flatly because it's the only way to keep from breaking in front of Dean. "I should have known this would never work. That you and I could never be... this." His voice shakes near the end, and he falls silent.

He doesn't know now why he ever thought he and Dean could have something here that they don't have in the real world. Destiny, true destiny, can't be overcome.

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

That they couldn't be anything? Right, right, because he's just human.

"Fuck this," Dean bites, raking a hand through his hair. "Fuck you, and...fuck everything, I shoulda known it was all too good to be true. Maybe you'll get lucky and another angel'll show up so you can screw around with it."

Because normal people can't possibly surmount to much for a Heavenly being.

"I'm outta here."

[out-of-minutes.livejournal.com]

It was all too good to be true.

This tells Cas two things: that Dean really did value what they had. That if nothing else, at least he wasn't being false. It also tells him Dean now considers it in the past. Such small things and yet so infinitely powerful, human words.

"Dean, I wouldn't-- Don't--"


But it's too late. By the time forces his own words out, Dean is gone.




Castiel stands alone in the kitchen for long, quiet minutes. His throat is dry and his eyes feel prickly. His chest heaves with ragged breaths he can't control, and suddenly he is acutely aware and acutely weary of his own vessel.

A blink, and the kitchen is empty. A moment every bit of glass in it shatters, thousands of fragments littering the floor and counters.

Then, finally, silence falls.