26: [Action] Dazed and Confused

[dashboardlite]

[ Dean is only a little twitchy.  He never really feels like he needs things, but right now he's lacking.  Something.  Something big.  It's not starvation, because when he's hungry, he gets food.  When he wants sex, he finds Cas.  Dean doesn't get cravings because he's always well-fed.

But what he needs right now is people.

So Dean is wandering around the grounds for the most part, trying to locate the people he needs.  He could be in the parlour, fixing a drink.  He could be kicking at the edge of the hedge maze, contemplating going inside but unwilling to risk not being able to find his way out again without a bag of peanut M&Ms to leave as a trail guide.  He could even be in the kitchen, trying (and failing) to cook something to keep his mind off of everything.

He's that restless.

Good luck. ]

Comments

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ The answer to that first statement is a small and unhappy sigh. Freaks. If he wanted anyone to think that then he could just as well come clean about Clarence.

But he told himself he'd keep a lid on that topic. No more whining about wanting to be normal in front of Dean.

So. Second statement. ]

That's easier said than done, sometimes-- Sometimes I think she's everywhere. I even found out she's dating one of my friends...

[ Philip trails off. Hardly the worst thing they ever talked about, but far from the best. ]

Anyway, let's... talk about something else.

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

[Dean wants to say WHO, THAT TIM GUY? but refrains. They are manly men and they can change the subject in a manly fashion while still retaining their masculinity despite avoiding uncomfortable subjects.]

Well, it's the fucked-up emotions event, ain't it?

[Nudge nudge.]

Who d'you got a hankering for?

1/2

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ Groan. ]

This again? Really?

2/2

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ WELL. Here goes: ]

I feel like I should dress up to the nines and invite somebody over for coffee. [ Beat. ] Actually, it's worse. I feel like I did years ago when I still lied to my mum because I just had to sneak out and meet a girl.

[ Percentage of actual question answered: 0. ]

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

[Dean likes how you cleverly avoided answering that question, Philip. He really does. Except for the part where you didn't actually answer the question.

Good thing Dean knows how to translate.]

So you're horny.

1/3

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ ALL THE D8 ]

No! What--

2/3

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ ...It did sort of sound like that, didn't it?

...And it's not strictly untrue, crude phrasing aside, right?

But still... ]

That's not... no. That's not it, that's not... not all of it.

3/3

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ GOD. Okay. Okay, let him try this again. Slowly. And carefully. ]

It. Would be nice. To be. In a committed relationship again.

[ DEEP BREATH. Beat. Hasty addition: ]

...is what this event wants me to think, apparently.

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

[Dean thinks that committed relationships are nice when they work; he does now, at least, but he won't in an hour or so when he and Castiel break up. He therefore nods understandingly. The event isn't just about hatesex or lust, but it is weighing heavily on people's dormant (or in some cases, not-so dormant) feelings.]

So you miss being in a relationship, s'only natural that it's gonna show during the event.

[Hands in his pockets, Dean purses his lips thoughtfully and mulls over the "quadrants" he's got. Philip does seem to have a rather glaring void.]

You gonna try for one?

[Just out of curiosity, dude. Who else would offer his services as a loving and supportive wingman?]

1/2

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ Philip actually doesn't.

Not on a non-event day.

Not in that way.

It's just...

It's just that being with somebody is one item on a long list of things Philip regrets not being able to do anymore.

Just one more thing that was always secondary at best, because he thought there would be no deadline, no sudden too late.

But now he's standing at that point.

And Dean's question only earns the hunter a mirthless laughter of disbelief. ]

2/2

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

Dean, even if I wanted to, really wanted to, not just because I'm being made by an event, I... I think you're forgetting that I'm not exactly available.

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

[Dean hasn't forgotten about Clarence. But how much of an asshole would the little headvoice have to be to not want to see what a few harmless endorphins could do to the system? Sex is good for everybody.

Unless Clarence just thrives on misery.

...Yeah, okay then.]

Is this just from the "I have a douchebag alien in my head and could hurt you" perspective, or the "I have a douchebag alien in my head, period, end of story" perspective?

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ Well. At least Dean isn't completely unaware of the problem. Still... ]

Where's the difference?

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

[He won't sugar-coat it.]

One says "I'm a menace to society", and the other says "I'm not even going to try."

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ Normally his answer might be different, but the following question has been circling around in his head all event long, so finally voicing it comes easy. ]

Do you have any idea what he'd do to somebody I cared about that much?

{ }

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

I thought he was only a dick to assholes like me.

[And assorted, encouraging bros of Philip's. Here's to you, Mr. Are-You-Afraid-of-the-Dark? and (apparently) Sandwich Tim.]

I mean, I get the whole "knock that hunter down a few pegs" deal, but what about somebody who doesn't know about 'im? Is he that much of a bastard?

[Please bear in mind that while Dean knows about Philip's little alien hoodoo ceremony from several months back, he doesn't know the lucky winners of the Ritual Raffle.

He's also aware that Clarence in 100%, dyed-in-the-wool evil, but what's the point if the person in question isn't even offending him? Just because he can?

...man, Cas needs to figure out how to get rid of him.]

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ Another bitter laugh? Coming right up, sir! ]

What do you think?

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

Dude, that- Shit, Phil. I'm sorry. That sucks.

[That sucks so badly that Dean is having a hard time trying to think of something else he can say.]

Has he actually said this, or d'you just sorta know?

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

I know that I'm not going to risk it, I can't- I couldn't keep him and everything he's done to myself and hope everything turns out for the best.

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

You know this is gonna make you about a lovable as a porcupine, right?

[Please accept this companionable clap on the (good) shoulder, sir.]

...look, I get it. You don't wanna hurt anybody, and that's fine. But I know you wanna feel as normal as the next guy, and relationships are kinda the way you do it.

[Just sayin'.]

I'm not telling you to go out and get married, but loosen up a little bit, okay? Take it from a guy who used to have one-night-stands for dinner.

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ Philip will contemplate the amount of lovableness a porcupine emenates later.

For now he is still bitter, because he's being made to be antsy about relationships and because he thinks he's covered every possible relationship scenario and successfully concluded all of them with complete and utter failure. ]

Loosen up how?

[ Go on, Dean-o, fork over some practical advice on how to get dinner. I mean, er, feel normal. ]

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

[When preparing dinner, you first go to the nearest dive-bar. Find the most attractive specimen of- Oh, wait, different recipe. Never mind.]

Well, you got a couple options and you're not gonna like the first one. [Dean scratches his chin.] Option One: If you like someone that much, tell 'em the truth about your little guardian angel.

[Dean lifts his hand to interrupt anything Philip might say. He's already started, dude, and you you can't stop a rolling stone.]

S'not the best idea, but it's the most drastic. Option Two...if Clarence ain't gonna mind the difference between people you care about and people you don't, what's the harm in just having dinner with somebody every so often?

[He would say "having sex with somebody", but we've already covered respective definitions of dates (http://dashboardlite.livejournal.com/5949.html?thread=403261#t403261) in another place and time. Besides, Philip seems to be a little more gentlemanly than Dean. It must be the Englishness in him.]

Don't just shut yourself off 'cause of that. I know not everybody's as understanding as me, but I also thought you were a paranoid weirdo until you told me what was goin' on. I dunno how you act around other people, man. Who d'you talk to?

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ Philip has no intention of interrupting, at least not during the first option. The second plan has a few holes, but he remains quiet still, having decided to hear Dean out, consider his suggestions carefully and event-- ]

Paranoid w-- [ Scoff. ] That... that's not exactly making things easier, I--

[ And what about your first impression of Dean, hmmm? That's what we thought.

Now then. Back to the topic at hand. ]

I don't shut myself off. I should, sometimes... sometimes I think I should, but...

[ And now? A deep and meaningful pause. ]

I've never told anyone about Clarence, except for you. [ Beat. ] There's others who know, but they... they had to find out.

[ And not just by deduction if his gloomy tone of voice is any indication. ]

I only told you because- [ you got me drunk on wine coolers and I felt fat that day.

...

...

No.

Wait.

Wait a minute... ] because I knew you'd believe me... for- better or worse.

[ Pulling himself together for the next part. ]

But what if she-- [ AHEM HEM! ] or he, what-- What if whoever I tell it next doesn't? If they think I'm insane?

[ Sorry, Dean, did you ask a question just there? I'm afraid Philip's train of thought will have to make a few other stops first. ]

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

[We'll get your choo-choo back on-track in no time, Philip.

He's also sort of honored that Philip told him, if he's really the only one who knows.]

Then they think you're insane.

[Dean shrugs, throwing his hands up. He has long-since stopped caring about what people think of him. Empathizing with others on the same subject is considerably more difficult when he's gotten enough insults and rejection to last a lifetime.]

Dude, in a place like this, I'd be surprised if anybody called you crazy. I guess if they're new then I'd get it, but everyone's pretty used to this crap by now. Any person who's been here long enough oughta be a little understanding.

[He raises an eyebrow and folds his arms across his chest. They've never talked about their other friends at all, but knowing Philip's acquaintances might be a good thing.]

So who else d'you talk to, then, if you're that antsy?

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ Philip considers Dean's words.

If he's not insane himself then his situation certainly is. And was too, even before he came to Wonderland.

Maybe it's about time for him to come to terms with that once and for all.

Philip also considers a few words of protest because he is not antsy. ]

Nobody.

[ Now, now, that is hardly true.

Philip does actually know a decent amount of people here, some better than others.

But most are not recent additions. Most already know (read: met) Clarence.

Most are... not an immediate concern. ]

...Remember Evelyn? [ Beat. Sigh. ] Egypt lady?