20: [Video/Action] Open Arms

[dashboardlite]

Dean is slumped in one of the easy chairs in his room, seemingly completely oblivious to the camera he's left on the bedside table.  It's at enough of an angle that half his face is obscured by the shadows in the dimly-lit room, and the only sources of illumination are the floor lamp off in the far corner, and the soft electric glow of the radio's face.

The only thing it's been playing today are Journey's greatest hits, but it's been stuck on a loop of Faithfully and Open Arms, which made Dean think, and thinking is always a bad idea when he's convinced that he's fucked up almost every close friendship - or relationship - he's had with anyone since coming here.

Dean is starting to see a pattern, and if the expression of grim pain on his face isn't enough of a giveaway that something is wrong, then the beer bottle dangling from his fingertips over the left arm of the chair ought to be.  Reaching down, he tugs off one of his heavy biker boots and chucks it at the radio, which clatters to the floor and fizzles out of whatever reception it was getting.

He knows he should be happier.  His brother is here.  Sam, Sasquatch that he is, is here - albeit older - the the guilt he feels over moping when he should be catching up with Sam is...really awful, actually.

But everyone has those days, right?

Right?

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[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

Right.

[Philip exhales sharply. Right. Yeah, no, but... that-- That's not a problem. ]

Right. Okay, so, uhm...

[ Not a problem. What a blatant lie that would be.

Well, it's not a problem for Philip, at least that much would be true.

It's not supposed to be a problem for anyone, but it takes one seriously rose-coloured tint on your glasses to smile and claim that everyone will give Dean a pat on the back and be okay with it.

Heck, Dean himself doesn't seem very enthused about it to begin with. ]

So you never--

I mean, this-- Is this the first time you...

[ Philip trails off.

He's trying, really. But reassuring an openly gay friend that he has your support is one thing. Confidently finding the right words when somebody is tentatively peeking out at you from the closet while expecting a monster to devour him any second is... out of Philip's league. ]

First time you have, uh, feelings for- for... another man?

[video]

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

[Dean lifts his head, glaring at the camera in a "What do you think, genius?" sort-of-way. He's not enthused. Can you tell? Midwestern society doesn't exactly smile upon anything that isn't kosher - or even if you aren't religiously active, any sort of inclination towards the same sex is viewed as something that should be strung up and burned. Dean himself wasn't a bully in school, but he remembers kids who got flak for even looking like a 'fairy'.

He's not even sure he's gay. Should he put a label on himself yet? Does he need a label? Dean still likes women, and by God if he had a Playboy bunny at his disposal, the things he would do would be more than enough to make a pornstar blush. Besides, there's...there's a distinction there.

Dean's not attracted to men. He's attracted to Cas.]

Do I look like Clay Aiken?

[He doesn't really understand most of this himself.]

Phil, I love women. I've never liked a dude like this. I have no freaking idea what the fuck I'm supposed to do.

[video]

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ A mutter to himself: ] And once again I have no idea who that is.

[ Philip sighs. ]

Well. There's a first time for everything.

[ He rubs his forehead, thinking. Takes a deep breath. ]

All right, let's... start simple: What does he feel for you?

[ At least that's where the relationship advice would start if everything else was smooth sailing. Might as well go from there. ]

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[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

[The narration would like to point out that it is important to note that Dean has yet to tell Philip who this 'mystery man' is. For reasons that should be obvious to everyone, the identity will be withheld until further notice for the sake of Phil's sanity, as we all feel for it considering how pathetically frayed it is.]

Um.

[Well, he really seemed to like making out with me, so I take that as a good sign.]

...I think he likes...me...I mean, he said he wanted something with me but I kinda freaked out and ran away. Like...an asshole.

[Head in his hands, he grumbles at himself again.] I'm such a fucking idiot.

[video]

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

You're not an idiot, Dean.

{ }

[ Keeping a straight face despite Clarence's input has almost become second nature to Philip. Most of his quips pass without any visible reaction whatsoever. Most of them...

For a moment the sympathetic smile on Philip's lips twists into a silent snarl and his eyes widen... before he closes them and forces himself back on track.

He thinks for another moment, then tentatively unrolls his thoughts. ]

You... should talk to him. And...

And you're obviously both interested, so you--

[ Let's add a little more determination to that. ]

You should give it a shot.

[video]

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

[So Dean has an inordinately large number of personal demons to deal with. Shut up. You would too if you lost your mother to murder, were neglected as a child, and then destined to bring about the End of the World. His life is a river of crap, and he doesn't even have a paddle for the flimsy canoe he's riding in.

Also he's fairly socially inept, despite all evidence to the contrary, so a lack of friends certainly doesn't help.]

That is...really great advice, and all, Phil, and I'd love to take it, but...

[Dean wrinkles his nose, feeling the heat rising in his cheeks. Oh my God, a man like him should not be so embarrassed about this.] ...is that what you would do? If you were in my...situation?

[Dean's not going to lie to himself. He's scared. Of a lot of things in this situation, actually, but the primary concerns being Sam, Castiel himself, and Kurt. Jesus fuck, if Kurt found out...if Santana found out, after everything Dean had said about being straight, after everything he'd done to push Kurt away...

...they'd never let him live it down. And teenage gossip travels like wildfire.]

[video]

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

I--

[ Thinking back now Philip can't remember when he's effectively stopped thinking about the possibility of ever having a relationship again.

Was that a vow he already took when leaving for Greenland, did it come with the virus or was that only something that sank in slowly after being forced to live with Clarence for a while?

The possibility alone just seems so far out of reach now. ]

I don't know. Maybe I--

[ And maybe that's the point. Maybe the point is to not let it get that far away in the first place. ]

I wouldn't want to... to look back on a chance I had and regret not taking it while I could, I mean--

Who knows when you'll go back? Or when- when either of you will go back to his own world? And just because you won't remember doesn't mean...

It doesn't mean you shouldn't take the chance to be with somebody now.

{ }

[video]

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

[For being someone who gives off the impression of being completely stiff, generally boring, and meticulously studious - all trademark qualities of the bookish, socially inept type - Philip seems to have remarkable insight on this subject. Dean attributes it to the fact that Phil actually had a life before being thrown into the whole Greenland-alien-thing. It's difficult to imagine Philip in the trappings of any world besides this one, but he had family, too. Probably dated on and off, went to the bar with friends on Friday nights.

Dean doubts that Phil would be nearly as supportive if he knew that his hunting buddy was crushing on the Angel of Death the Lord. Nonetheless, the advice is sound. Dean doesn't know how much longer he'll be here, and being alone sucks. Particularly when there's someone so close that he actually feels like he could...

...Jesus, is it weird that he can see himself doing such normal things as drinking morning coffee with Cas? Rolling over in bed to see him curled up there? God, he's turning into a freaking woman.]

Yeah, you got a point. [Dean drops his gaze, fiddling with the collar of his shirt for a moment. Now comes the clencher, though. Would people be bothered? Yes, they would be. Certain people more than others. Philip doesn't appear phased, but he could just be trying to provide Dean with support.]

...It wouldn't weird you out, though, would it? Me and Ca- a dude.

[Please be friends with him still.]

[video]

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ It's true that Philip was never the god of socialites, but he got by just fine, at least before Greenland. In practice he may seem a little unrefined from time to time, especially now, but at least in theory he's equipped with all the social skills of a perfectly average guy.

And every once in a while he can even pull a surprisingly helpful piece of trivia out of his sleeve. ]

No. It wouldn't.

[ At least that much Philip can say with perfect confidence and certainty.

Initial surprise aside he is indeed as unphased as he appears. One might even say that this is the first announcement in a long time that does not phase him at all. ]

So... anyone I know?

[ Nope, there is certainly nothing phasing about this whatsoever. ]

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[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

[The absolute wave of relief that washes over Dean at Phil's answer is almost indescribably wonderful. In all honesty, Dean's never had a problem with homosexuality. He laughs whenever he and Sam are mistaken for a gay couple, and he'd never begrudge someone the opportunity to be with whoever they loved, no matter the gender.

He's just never experienced this firsthand.

Relaxing a little, feeling far less tense than he had before, Dean feels a sharp spike of worry shudder through him at the question. He knew this question was coming. He should have prepared for it better.]

Uh.

[Think fast, Dean.]

...yeah, you could say that. Might've...come up in conversation. I think.

[He swallows nervously. How convincing.]

[video]

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

Well...?

[ Philip smiles. This is normally where you give a name, you know. ]

If you're dating the Operator then I might have to take back what I just said.

[video]

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

Ha ha, you're hilarious.

[Dean rolls his eyes, but appreciates the levity since things are probably going to turn into a shitstorm in the next few minutes. He pauses again, but it's not for dramatic effect.]

...listen, you...you have to promise not to freak out, dude.

[video]

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ Philip laughs briefly, but there's a nervous edge to it. ]

Uhm... okay?

[video]

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

It's, ah... [He's tempted to just mumble into the table again, really he is.] ...it's Castiel.

[And he preemptively springs into action, hands up, defending himself and hoping to the God that might not exist that Phil won't disown him.] Don't- Don't freak out, dude, please.

[video]

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ Nervous grin frozen in place.

Ahahahaha, that's hilarious, for a second there it almost sounded like the guy Dean was in love with was--

...

...

...

Brainstroke.

Silence. ]

[video]

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

[Dear God, he's snapped the man's mind in two, hasn't he?

Dean swallows his panic and tries to assess exactly how he said things. It...It wasn't that bad, right? It wasn't...like...well, the presentation was awkward, but that's expected, and he's pretty sure that Philip doesn't actually know Cas yet.

Though by the look on his face, Dean might be wrong.]

.....Phil?

[Dean waves his hand a little, feeling his stomach writhe.]

[video]

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

You're in love with... with Cas- Cast--

With your... with the-- Castiel. The... the angel Castiel.

[ Philip is staring at Dean almost pleadingly, wishing beyond anything else that the next response will be laughter and an apology for the confusion, because of course he would not fall in love with that winged rat, he's talking about some human who just happens to be named Castiel as well and oh my, what an awkward misunderstanding ahahahaha. ]

[video]

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

[Gee, this is turning out to be the best idea he ever had. Dean knows that Philip's brain is short-circuiting, but it really isn't a difficult concept to grasp, and for some reason it sounds even weirder coming out of someone else's mouth. He's in love, yes, and the other person is Castiel, but putting all those words into one sentence even makes Dean uncomfortable.

Clearing his throat, Dean fiddling with the ring on his finger for a nother few awkward moments before making eye contact again. Phil is looking at him like he's got lobsters crawling out of his ears.]

Yes. [Jesus, how many more times does he have to say it? His cheeks are heating up in embarrassment.]

Yes, Castiel. The angel. The one you got beef with, and I know it ain't exactly kosher for me to spring this on you, but you asked and I'm kinda sick of lying to people about it, and I'd really appreciate if you could pull yourself together for one friggin' minute because you're not the one who should be panicking here, it's me.

[Give him a break, huh? It's not like people intend to fall in love.

Particularly not Dean.]

[video]

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ Dead quiet.

Wow. Talk about a punch in the stomach.

Not too long ago Philip could have agreed with Dean now, could have rationalised it all somehow. Told himself that he was overreacting to somebody he's never even met.

But then he did meet Castiel. And the mind-invading didn't exactly leave a favourable impression. And now, well...

It's hard to describe how Philip feels right now. To understand it you'd... hell, you'd probably have to watch the person you care about the most shove you aside for some demon chick to even get the idea. ]

Right.

I shouldn't have said anything.

I'm sorry.

[ For all the passion and sincere remorse in those lines (read: nada) he might as well have been reading them off a script. ]

[video]

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

No, dude, just-

[Dean groans, frustrated, and cradles his head in his hands for a moment. He remembers all too well how upset Philip had gotten the first time he'd mentioned Castiel, but hadn't taken it into account because...well. In Dean's defense, he didn't know about Clarence back then.

It's not really fair on anyone. It's not fair for Castiel, because Dean ran away like a little girl, and it's not fair on Phil, because he's got a thing in his head that calls itself an angel, and if Dean had had experience with one of those, then he'd be just as turned off by the thought.

It wasn't something he could have helped, though. It was this horribly inexorable pull that Dean almost wishes he could regret, but he doesn't. He can't. He won't.]

Phil, look, if it were anyone else, you'd probably be happy for me. God knows I'm not jumpin' for joy over here, but...

[Christ, it's a chick flick moment.]

...dude, you're the only one I've told. I trust you, and, Hell - I haven't even told my own brother. But you're starin' at me like I've got three heads, and I thought you of all people might look at this...I dunno, objectively?

[Dean has the habit of wearing his emotions on his sleeve when he feels threatened. Now is certainly one of those occasions. Worry - and hurt - being the most prominent. When he speaks again, it's quieter.]

...I don't...have many friends here, Phil. Not ones that I'd tell this sorta stuff to.

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[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

.....

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[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

[ Dean is right about one thing: If this was anybody else Philip would be happy for him. Heck, he already was happy for him before he heard that damned name.

But Dean is very wrong about something else: Philip does not look at things objectively. Oh, far from it. Maybe he tries, maybe he thinks he does, but in the end he applies two very different scales of judgement to people he likes and people he dislikes.

So being told to pull himself together by the former when he's justifiably yet wrongly wary about the latter? That hurt.

But when he thinks about it... when he thinks about it more than he really wants to, then Dean is ri--

Then Dean still isn't right, because he hates that bloody angel, oh god, does he ever hate him, but...

But Dean is his friend and it really doesn't matter whether he's right or wrong, because Philip will just have to...

Philip will just have to pull himself together. ]

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[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

I've... met Castiel. And I... I don't trust him. I can't help it.

[ Philip takes a deep breath. ]

But you do. And he's... obviously important to you. [ GOD KNOWS WHY. ] And this is hard enough for you as it is and I...

[ahahahafooledyou!] 4/3

[sadfreezingbrit.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry.

[ Ah, now there is some sincerity. ]

I'm... glad you found someone.

[ With much effort and strain he manages to keep the 'I just wish it was someone else' out of his voice. ]

[video YOU FIEND]

[dashboardlite.livejournal.com]

[Dean is genuinely surprised to hear that Philip and Castiel have met. In a mansion with god-knows-how-many residents, the likelihood of their encounter was slim to none, so he hadn't worried about them running into each there. It seems as though Dean was mistaken, however, and that the introductions had not gone swimmingly.

Even if Philip doesn't really mean what he's saying, it's still nice to hear it and have some sort of verbal reassurance that no, Dean is not about to be disowned as a friend, romantic interests or not.

...thanks. [And he means it.] I don't blame you for not trusting him after...everything. And he comes off awkward.

[Maybe they shouldn't be talking about Castiel. Philip looks uncomfortable. All right? All right.]

But thanks. "Love"- [He fingerquotes.] -in general ain't exactly my thing, so...it's weird. I mean, do I look like the kinda guy who goes on dates?